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July 17, 2007 by Betsy Bird

Revenge of the Kicked Mushroom

July 17, 2007 by Betsy Bird   9 comments

I know a couple authors.  And when it comes to editorial suggestions regarding manuscript changes, no matter how necessary they may sometimes be, authors are not huge fans.  Some writers dislike these suggestions more than others.  Today’s example (who shall remain firmly anonymous) commented to me that getting editorial changes causes them to "disintegrate like a kicked mushroom".  In response to a particularly jarring recent episode, said author sent me this example of how one might go about editing Goldilocks and the Three Bears in this day and age.  It amused me so much that I’m presenting it for you here.  For those of you who write, you may suffer a slight case of deja vu.

Some Typical Editorial Concerns

1)  Why is the Mama Bear’s porridge too cold when the Papa Bear’s porridge is too hot?  Didn’t they come out of the same cooking pot?  Perhaps incorporate a description of the bowls in question, showing that Papa Bear’s bowl exposes less surface area so that the porridge is unable to cool.  Is there a science lesson to be taught here?  (Mama Bear’s bowl must be wide and shallow;  etc.)  Or perhaps Mama Bear’s bowl is made of thin porcelain, and Papa Bear’s bowl is made of earthenware?   Please insert some text explaining this to our readers.

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2)  What is Goldilocks’ motivation for tasting and eating the porridge?  Has she perhaps travelled a long distance through the woods?  Is she hungry at home?  A paragraph or two about what attracts her to the porridge (which may be unknown or unappealing to today’s children) may help us "get into her skin".

3)  The porridge section of the story seems comparatively static and goes on too long.    Try to shorten it, so that we can get on to the more exciting "chair and bedroom" scenes, which deliver more emotional punch to the reader.

4)  Is the child’s hair color significant?  You allude to it in the opening paragraph, and then we don’t hear about it any more.  We need more mentions of the child’s hair and its importance in the story.

5)  Is it likely that Papa Bear would notice that the cushions of his chair are wrinkled before all three bears notice that Baby Bear’s chair lies in splinters?  Reorder for better flow/avoid confusion.

6)  Goldilocks’ pronouncements of "just right" seem predictable by the time she gets to the bedroom.  Perhaps we could have a surprise in this scene–perhaps Mama Bear’s bed is the most comfortable!  Or, alternatively, Goldilocks could start with the Baby Bear’s bed and progress to Papa Bear’s bed, carrying out the theme of her insatiable desire to "crib" what belongs to another.

7)  Goldilocks’ reaction to the bears at the end of the story seems overwrought.  Why does she flee from the house?  Traditionally bears are considered dangerous, but the bears in this story have many human characteristics.  They are vegetarians (as testified to by the porridge) and their house is furnished with chairs, beds, et cetera.  In view of this, Goldilocks’ flight makes her seem wimpy and old fashioned.  Today’s children will be more attracted to a spunky, feisty Goldilocks.  Please tweak the ending a little!

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About Betsy Bird

Betsy Bird is currently the Collection Development Manager of the Evanston Public Library system and a former Materials Specialist for New York Public Library. She has served on Newbery, written for Horn Book, and has done other lovely little things that she'd love to tell you about but that she's sure you'd find more interesting to hear of in person. Her opinions are her own and do not reflect those of EPL, SLJ, or any of the other acronyms you might be able to name. Follow her on Twitter: @fuseeight.

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About Betsy Bird

Betsy Bird is currently the Collection Development Manager of the Evanston Public Library system and a former Materials Specialist for New York Public Library. She has served on Newbery, written for Horn Book, and has done other lovely little things that she'd love to tell you about but that she's sure you'd find more interesting to hear of in person. Her opinions are her own and do not reflect those of EPL, SLJ, or any of the other acronyms you might be able to name. Follow her on Twitter: @fuseeight.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Adam Rex says

    July 17, 2007 at 5:28 am

    This is funny, but the author’s point (or what I assume is the author’s point) is somewhat undermined by the fact that Goldilocks ISN”T much of a story. We only tell it because it’s universal, very familiar, and old, right?

  2. Kathryne says

    July 17, 2007 at 6:17 am

    Adam, of course Goldilocks is a good story. How do you think stories get to be “very familiar, and old”? My Complete Grimm Brothers is filled with old stories that are not at all familiar.

    This version made me feel much better about my last critique, and at the same time made me want to go back to bed and hide under the covers.

  3. caroline hickey says

    July 17, 2007 at 7:03 am

    I do think some authors feel this way, but they are many who don’t. I look forward to a good long revision letter, because even though (like cough syrup) it hurts going down, the book always feels better afterwards.

    (I also have a sick love of revision. I’m using a lot of illness metaphors today.)

  4. Jeremiah says

    July 17, 2007 at 7:06 am

    This is entertaining and I’m sure there is plenty of truth to it, but I suspect the critique would be less evocative if we were matching the demand for such detail and realistic with a storyline that was appropriate for that age. A story used (at least currently) for very young children need not concern itself with that level of accuracy or fidelity to the way things work, but older children who demand such accountability – which is really part logical flow and part internal coherence – also tend to like more complex stories in general, no?

    Now, if the author is really claiming to have editors clamoring for such changes in manuscripts for very young readers, well, I guess I should shut up.

  5. Jeremiah says

    July 17, 2007 at 7:07 am

    This is entertaining and I’m sure there is plenty of truth to it, but I suspect the critique would be less evocative if we were matching the demand for such detail and realistic with a storyline that was appropriate for that age. A story used (at least currently) for very young children need not concern itself with that level of accuracy or fidelity to the way things work, but older children who demand such accountability – which is really part logical flow and part internal coherence – also tend to like more complex stories in general, no?

    Now, if the author is really claiming to have editors clamoring for such changes in manuscripts for very young readers, well, I guess I should shut up.

  6. alvina says

    July 17, 2007 at 7:19 am

    Oh, ouch. This is hilarious to me, though, because they captured the tone of an editorial letter perfectly. But I agree with the comments that this wasn’t a realistic example–it’s a fairytale, and editors *should* know to what level believability and so on is necessary in a particular genre.

    And yes, I certainly hope that the authors I send comments to don’t feel like a kicked mushroom!

  7. Very anonymous says

    July 17, 2007 at 8:16 am

    What’s annoying about the “editorial letter” above is that a good editor — generally speaking — knows that the author has to do the work him/herself, and trusts him/her to do it. Such an editor asks questions about what might be problems in the manuscript, and gets you thinking about the whole thing afresh. A different kind of editor wants to step into the mix like a plumber and start tightening here and unscrewing there and making suggestion after suggestion. It makes my shoulders tense up just to think about it.

  8. Eric says

    July 17, 2007 at 10:12 am

    If I got this much feedback from an editor on one of my manuscripts, I would be dancing for 3 days! dimwhitted or not, that’s a winning letter!
    It sure tops the 28-word, photo-copy-of-a-photo-copy letters we are all too used to getting.
    Yep, it is silly and fun, but wouldn’t we all be floored by that?

  9. Jen says

    July 17, 2007 at 12:19 pm

    I think you forgot the last item, Betsy, or the author did.

    8) 800 words is too long for this young age group. Please reduce word count by 50%.

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